We did dishes so the kitchen sink could be used to wash our hands, piles of laundry so we could access the washer to wash wet items from the basement, and picked up five bags of trash and four of recycling so we could walk around the house. Sometimes its in response to little things, like a line for the bathroom or a movie she likes being taken off Netflix, other times its a reaction to more major setbacks, like not getting the grade she wants on a test or not making a sports team. This is not your problem. But if your confronting them goes nowhere, take heart: Youve got only four years left of living in this battleground. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. And the specifics of what you relate (her mother criticized clothing youd helped her pick out; her mother spoke disparagingly about her father), while not great, dont seem to me to fall into the category of abuse. Nor does an insensitive, dismissive remark about PMS. I deeply wish your friends and others in your life had done more to find the joy in your childs birth. Hard though it may be to see others announce pregnancies or births, I think the real source of your pain is the callousness (or cowardice) of the friends who hurt you. I told them that they didnt have to worry about that, because even though hes getting older its no more unlikely that he would suddenly die sometime in the next 10 years, but they can see that dads health is declining and this does not comfort them. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). Have a question for Care and Feeding? I hate my sister-in-law. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. How To Do It. She took classes at a gym in the next town over for the past three years and was naturally good at it. As a baseline, lets stop comparing our relationships to our kids with anyone elses. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. Take the nice words graciously, dont make a big production of it, and move on with your day. I will point out that not giving your 7-year-old unlimited access to all the books he can technically read doesnt necessarily make you a book censor, or mean that you think those books or authors are without merit. Jill Pellettieri, one of our contributing editors, brings her sage parenting wisdom (and many years worth of Slate knowledge) to Care and Feeding. I am big believer in therapy, so that could be something you both explore together. Have a question for Care and Feeding? At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Photo illustration by Slate. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. That didnt work. charter ship to port phasmatys / john boy and billy big show podcast / john boy and billy big show podcast Im an advice columnist, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, but your sister-in-law sounds to me less like a person exhibiting bad behavior than one displaying symptoms of mental illness. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. I can say this honestly and without bias. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. Charlie did not use any of the teacher's examples, and instead wrote a paper . All rights reserved. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! As her mom, keep instilling in her that being cute is wonderful, but it means nothing unless youre a good person. Al, from Monroe, Connecticut "I'm a single dad to three boys, and I have been alone with them for seven years. I guess Im askingare the books the problem? Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? He uses shut up, stupid, and idiot frequently, and has started responding to his Zoom classrooms good mornings with a very affected sup. He doesnt really have other social interactions right now, so hes not picking these up from other kids. Ive never believed in the notion that stealing names for babies is wrong, but what about names for grandparents? Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. Let him cry, let him yell, let him say that he hates you and this decisionbecause it all comes with the package of a small human expressing his displeasure. All English Franais. Whether or not you take any steps to try and change the relationship between you and her, I think your children deserve to hear your frank thoughts on this. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. My dad is in his 60s now and is starting to deal with a lot of the consequences of his age. Today its gloves; next month it could be snap-shut purses. You can still be respectful of your ex as you confront some of her claims about you. Have a question for Care and Feeding? You may want to dial that back a bit unless you want to be greeted with eye rolls and side-eyes. I grew her myself. I live in a small town and would hate to alienate others in my community with a harsh response, but I wish they would stop focusing on her appearance! One is a state college 30 minutes away. countries. It is beyond ridiculous, and I am sick of it. I would go so far as to say that they reward her bad behavior. For my sake, how can I get them to do this? Photo illustration by Slate. Our 5-year-old misses his friends and the in-person nature of school, but has been doing very well in long-distance kindergarten. Were having a harder time coming up with names for our twins, in large part because my husband wants names that sound similar. My husband is obviously hurt by this, but he doesnt like to talk about it. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. Photo illustration by Slate. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. She got pregnant, so I swallowed my pride and wholeheartedly accepted Teddy into our now four-person abode. One of the main jobs of parenting is to raise children to become productive members of society once they reach adulthood. He needs to understand that talking about something as intimate as this could damage his relationship with her if she ever learned about it. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. I dont think she has a chance of making this team. I assured her wed be fine and sent them on their way. Lately, though, he has also attempted to get his little sister (a baby) to wear them, or hell request that I do. My husband runs his own business and works crazy hours. Even if your MIL were right about him needing more help or support, the course would then be for her to discuss this calmly and respectfully with you, not try to intimidate him into being whatever her version of an ideal 5-year-old is. Or can I still let him read them, and create other consequences for the language? Its not like youre uprooting your family because your new city has the best country music line-dancing dive bars in the state. Nicole Cliffe is a freelance writer who pens Slate's parenting advice column, "Care and Feeding," and was the co-founder of the now-defunct site The Toast. At the young age of four, she can be downright stunning. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. Tell your children that you only want for them to have a great relationship with both of their parents and that you would not go out of your way to challenge their mother unless you absolutely had to, which in this case, you do. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. He has a crushhis first one, I guess (or at least the first one hes told you about). Have a question for Care and Feeding? Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. My therapist thought I had some depression and I think she was right. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. My husband thinks itd be cute, I have heard testimony from (perhaps overdramatic) identical twins telling me being named Anna and Hannah ruined their lives. content language. I have two older siblings, and my parents divorced when I was 10. You would never forgive yourself if you ignored the warning signs. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. I turned my life around and have been sober for over six years, but will he do whatever it takes to improve his health? My mother-in-law moved in with us in August, for the foreseeable future, and my partner and I have noticed that she treats the 5-year-old differently than she did the others at the same age, especially when it comes to discipline. Have a question for Care and Feeding? It begins in a month and commuting through the end of the school year is not really feasible for me, so were moving the weekend before I start (me, husband, and son). Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. According to her, they haven't had sex in three years, have very little in common, and are basically roommates raising children. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. Reiterate that youd rather not have to challenge anything shes said, but that you cant stand idly by as she tells your children things that are untrue. We see her family a lot more than we see mine, and we have a good relationship with them. He takes the bus to work, and often finds himself out of breath after walking up the same hill from the bus stop to our house that hes been walking up for 15 years. Co-host of Slate's "Mom and Dad Are Fighting" podcast, and he co-writes Slate's "Care and Feeding" advice column. Her mom and I have been divorced for 10 years and her mom believes whatever my daughter wants, she should get. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. The Backstory Will Give You Pause. If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Its college-selecting time for my 18-year-old. My daughter's friends tell me I look great I was about 17 at the time " I've been searching for my father my whole life and through 23a I think you do have to get back into therapy. If what shes doing has escalated to emotional abuse, that could also damage your sons behavior and development, his self-esteem, and his ability to feel safe and loved. Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. And you should project yourself right out of this equation. I suppose I dont even know what my question is. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. It happens to the best of us at that age (and a month isnt so long! New ones are published almost daily. Not only is there no reason for him to be ashamed of this quirk, theres also no reason for you to take it so seriously. My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. During the pandemic,. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Indeed, she was ambivalent, at best, about going in the first place. Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. I understand his love of peace and quiet, but he has told me he is done with going out. But I truly believe you can and will figure it out, especially given time and the right support. He is constantly saying that he doesnt see the point of some simple task, that its stupid and easy, that he hates it. Whether or not her mom overindulges her, wanting to pick which college she goes to and where she lives hardly makes your daughter a spoiled brat. Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. Ive tried incentives, but he was never reward-oriented. (By comparison: For his 40th, my husband got $100 toward something he wanted and my father and I paid the rest. During the pandemic, one of the volunteers has started a Zoom book club for kids in second and third grade. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. My first grader lacks intrinsic motivation for basically everything. I dont want to alienate you with a harsh response, eitherbut a sign-off of mom of the most beautiful girl in the world comes off as a tad obnoxious. I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). Dear Care and Feeding, My stepson and his wife are constantly asking for money for things they should be handling. My wife (26) and I (24) are expecting our first kid. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. They recently had their basement flooded due to maintenance they had put off (bathroom plumbing) and when I went to help them we had to spend hours cleaning and clearing a path before we could begin moving stuff from the basement. I Played a Card Game With My Fianc to See Who Does the Most Housework. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. My children (10, 8, 6, and 5) have been attending school virtually since March. But I say all of this with the shadow of your depression over it. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Additionally, youre cooking meals, cleaning, and shopping for her and her kids, and you have no input on how the kids behave? and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. If you missed Mondays column,read it here. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he seems slightly sheepish, and at other times he runs away and moves on to a different activity. Edgy content focused on teens and kids can easily cause trouble. But hes been telling us that hes in love with her, like you and Dad. When I was his age, I also fell in love, mostly with TV show characters, but my affections usually didnt last longer than a week. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. Hes asked us to review his cover letters and personal statements. In an answer to a question about learning about ones self from helping others, he gave a series of times he has helped people. She feels controlled and trapped. I get it, thoughyou have a beautiful daughter. He had frequent outbursts, consisting of yelling and swearing. " Care and Feeding " is SLATE.com's parenting advice column where wannabe Woke parents write in to be chastised by a rotating group of SLATE staffers. She has been publishing "Nicole Knows," a potpourri of beauty, pop culture and general life observations and advice since February 2018. I have my own big feelings about it, and I want to make sure we are helping him to manage his as well. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. Ask him to use headphones while he works or watches TV or listens to music while you are with your therapist. Answer: Join Slate Plus. Additionally, you should enlist a friend or family member to stand by your side when you talk to him in person so you have that extra support. I know I need to go back into therapy, but Im home all the time now with my husband and I dont have the freedom and privacy to talk that this would require. Its anonymous! Slate now has four advice columns Care and Feeding, for parenting advice; Dear Prudence, for general relationship/being-a-human questions; How to Do It, for sex advice; and Beast Mode, for advice about pets. I have an 8-year-old son who is really, really smart but really, really stubborn. I find myself going back and forth about how I feel (but also less concerned about the former, more about the latter). I can be too much too, so my heart goes out to you. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive it means nothing unless youre a good person is starting deal... 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