Early life [ edit] As per The Mirror, Grayson and Philippa have actually been together 34 years in 2021: " Me and my wife, we've both kind of rubbed up, we've rubbed each other's corners off over 29 years, well it's actually 34 years we have been together. And this is another reason the problem page has never gone away: all of us must cope with such differences. As someone on the other end of a computer, I cant do that. But you will be the judge of that. Its no wonder youve lost confidence. These are just two of the countless ways we get entrenched in old and unhelpful patterns. I'm an author (The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read, Couch Fiction and How To Stay Sane), a TV presenter, a journalist (Ask Philippa is my column in the Observer Magazine every week), but this site is all about my art. Together, Grayson and Philippa have a daughter named Florence who was born in 1992. But on the whole, Perry manages to be remarkably undogmatic given the genre she's writing in. It wont be therapy, but it may still be helpful. Some of the art is faux naif. So, what can you do about that? My general approach is if its good for the mother, its good for the baby, and if that means putting them down early so I can watch an extra episode of The Crown, then everybodys winning. By the . I saw so many five star reviews for The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read that I had to see what all the hype was about. Last Monday, Grayson welled up as he spoke to nine-year-old Simran who had made a collage of his family, including his twin brother who died when they were four. I'm glad that I've read it now, as a parent of a 10 and 7-year-old, but I really wish I'd read it earlier. The example of the ten year old trying to kill himself by jumping out the window because both his parents were working full time and he felt ignored reallly disturbed me. If it gets a few people off their sofas and enables them to find out stuff about themselves and discover what they care about, so much the better.. The most influential relationships are between parents and children. I skimmed some as my children are virtually adults and from what I've read I completely agree with Philipa. In those days every single letter, and there could be 1,000 or more a week, was answered; the house I grew up in was a clearing house: pain in; the salve of advice out. In 2021, the couple celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary. Welldoing.org is the UKs leading therapist matching service for in-person and online therapy. He will go out to a private view and bump into a friend of mine and afterwards Ill be dying to know her news and hell say She was wearing a glamorous 1940s costume with a lace collar.. Philippa Perry gives her opinion. In the midst of lockdown, a quirky Channel 4 series has brought the nation together and served up not just creativity but a slice of British life like no other. Focus on what you want rather than the choices he is making, After trauma the rational part of the brain cannot talk to the emotional side. As psychotherapist and author Philippa Perry becomes our new agony aunt, she reveals why helping you with your worries will help us all. And within families and outside them, other peoples interests will often diverge from our own. I loved the image of being a container for your childs emotionits evocative and it honestly works. So that background irritation made it a lot harder to sift the text for possibly useful advice on how to handle those frustrations. Jay Rayner, son of Claire, greets Philippa with his own family story of letters and lunch. Also, he had a very interesting way of looking at the world. For a full comparison of Standard and Premium Digital, click here. Out in paperback next week, it is Perrys third book after Couch Therapy (2010) and How to Stay Sane (2012) and her most successful. The psychotherapist Philippa Perry's brilliant new podcast Siblings in Session examines a relationship which I think she's right to say is too often "overlooked". She came to understand how she had misinterpreted her dyslexia as general stupidity. She concentrates on the bigger picture of being a parent rather than the minutia, concentrating on the relationship and how important that is to their well being. She has a degree in fine art and is a published author. Philippa, Lady Perry ( ne Fairclough; born 1957), is a British psychotherapist and author. Comedian Jenny Eclair painted a domestic scene. Philippa Perry: Most parents are not evil - they're lovely people with the wrong tools'. Welldoing Ltd - Registered in England and Wales No. Despite her revisions, the book is still firm with parents but also forgiving (ruptures can be repaired), full of the currently popular attachment-parenting theories (childrens needs come first) while chucking in some common sense (sometimes parents need a break). But over the past five weeks it has evolved into a must-watch programme with the power not just to make us laugh Chief Medical Officer, Chris Witty, as the nations unlikely muse, anyone? How do I find a sexual partner after 20 years of celibacy? 3. Long bike rides for him because he needs to take off and feel the wind in his face. The first time I met the Observer Magazines new agony aunt, it was to discuss agony aunts. Any changes made can be done at any time and will become effective at the end of the trial period, allowing you to retain full access for 4 weeks, even if you downgrade or cancel. Perry grew up in Cheshire, with parents who liked to think they were upper middle class but were a bit more Hyacinth Bucket. Sothe stuff I hated: Perry reiterates the ruptures dont matter, its what you do to mend that matters but her tone is so patronizing and condescending that you know shes not so secretly judging you. Widening and shifting perspectives on situations and understanding a child's point of view provide opportunities for better parent and child relationships. Perry worked in the mental health field for 20 years, 10 in private practice, before being published. If youd like to retain your premium access and save 20%, you can opt to pay annually at the end of the trial. Some of her examples made me cry. This was an interesting read insofar as it pushes the boundaries of how useful a parenting guide can be without considering patriarchal power. Grayson was born in Chelmsford, Essex on March 24th, 1960 making him 61 years old in 2021. Philippa married Grayson Perry in 1992. Its about people! I'll be buying it for pregnant friends in future! Philippa PERRY Filter appointments Filter appointmentsCurrent appointments Total number of appointments 1 Date of birth December 1966 BROCKLEY COMBE RESIDENTS ASSOCIATION LIMITED. Psychotherapist Philippa Perry takes us on a playful journey into the unconscious to discover the deep roots of surrealism in the political upheavals of 1920s Europe. Our mission is to improve mental wellbeing support for all, through better access, understanding and efficiency. Click and Collect from your local Waterstones or get FREE UK delivery on orders over 25. The psychotherapist talks to Hadley Freeman about her childhood, parenting in a pandemic, and life with her partner, artist Grayson Perry. The business of handing down advice has changed markedly over the years. They are available to buy from my shop. How do I handle the death of my secret lover? Get help and learn more about the design. When you have different ideas to what your parents had, you think, Im doing a very naughty thing for thinking like this, she says. In the 1690s, John Dunton was told: Sir, Ive addicted myself to a most grievous sin, though I refrain from the commission of it while Im awake, in my dreams I commit and take pleasure in it. In the 1970s a reader of Claire Rayners column in Petticoat magazine wrote: I am 16 and I have masturbated all my life. During your trial you will have complete digital access to FT.com with everything in both of our Standard Digital and Premium Digital packages. She channelled it all into a dam burst of words for the Sun and the Sunday Mirror, among others. And one last thing: I had a very happy childhood but GASP I still manage to find my children annoying sometimes. Youre a bad child!. It may take courage to write down whats bothering you and then send it in. I had a great time with the problem page at Red and I cannot tell you how delighted I am now to have been offered this opportunity to be the agony aunt for the Observer Magazine. But being a psychotherapist has taught me that people grow in their own way and in their own time, in an environment where they can be themselves and where they are allowed to experiment with who they can be as opposed to someone, or themselves telling them who they should be. When I respond, Ill draw upon the theories used in therapy. Fantastic. philippa perry appointmentchaska community center day pass. You may feel there is a risk you wont be taken seriously, be ignored, told off or misunderstood. Agony aunt columns, then and now, speak to what we have in common and what we dont. . Although Grayson draws and paints Philippa onscreen, she cavils at the suggestion she is his muse: He just steals all my ideas, she says, laughing. It's therapy heavy, it's probably going to make a lot of people mad or guilty, but I loved it. Both are almost excessively portfolio in their professional lives. Seek help from your GP and a therapist, says Philippa Perry. If you have a question, send a brief email to askphilippa@observer.co.uk. Show more Last on Mon 3. I realised that it didnt matter when we got home, she writes. I agree with Philipa, I think it's hugely important for children to have a parent around when they're small and have the option to get in your bed if they need it, it doesn't last for ever, I wish I could enjoy some of those times again. Philippa Perry is a psychotherapist (non-practising) and a writer. This programme is not currently available on BBC iPlayer. Making abstract art is really hard, but I cant stop trying, Im obsessed by arranging colour and shapes on a flat surface until it looks good. It has made me much more mindful of my words and behaviour with my daughter and indeed everyone. Lately, I told a friend about it and she was horrified and said I would become blind I cant believe I have ruined my life about this. Rayner got angry in response not at the reader, but at the stupid destructive rubbish they had been lumbered with masturbation is not wrong. She may have had the final word on the subject because this is one problem that I never saw in all my years as the agony aunt at Red magazine. See You Soon. [15], In April 2016 Perry announced her support for the Women's Equality Party. In true psychotherapist style, she finds the narrative, rooting it in her childhood: Im a narcissist because I could have done with a bit more attention as a child. 24. Grayson s response was equally tender. But the junk outweighs the good stuff. She felt really told off by the book. Writing down a dilemma, knowing someone is going to read it, is useful in itself. Since reading this I'm now an avid listener of Janet Lansbury's 'Unruffled' podcasts that put the philosophy of this book into action with practical tips on how to parent respectfully. If we were both feeling dissatisfaction simultaneously wed get very down, so we instinctively make sure that doesnt happen., Every week, Grayson and Philippa each make a piece of art; last Monday, the theme was Home, and she made an artwork about her daughters flatshare while he depicted his feelings about lockdown on a teatowel. A few pieces are of a very high calibre. Give your children loads of patience, attention, be there for them whenever they need you and they should grow into happy independent individuals. Philippa Perry, author of How to Stay Sane, is a psychotherapist and writer who has written pieces for The Guardian, The Observer, Time Out, and Healthy Living magazine and has a column in Psychologies Magazine.In 2010, she wrote the graphic novel Couch Fiction, in an attempt to demystify psychotherapy.She lives in London and Sussex with her husband, the artist Grayson Perry, and enjoys . The result of all this rupturing and repairing was the ingeniously titled The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did), which became one of this years publishing success stories, its distinctive orange and blue cover as omnipresent in a certain type of family home as Ellas Kitchen organic baby food and Cosmic Kids Yoga. First of all, I'm not a parent, but I work with kids. This book has some lovely, kind and sensible advice. The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry is published by Penguin Life (9.99). Quirky and clever, they are extravagantly comfortable in their skins she is a psychotherapist with Cruella de Vilmonochrome hair and statement glasses, he is an artist with a transvestite alter ego, called Claire, who has been known to dress as Little Bo Peep. I suppose him dressing up is a metaphor for him being himself, which is a gift., As with any decent parenting book, there are things I agree with in Perrys book (expecting our children to be always happy puts unnecessary pressure on them to be so), and things I dont. But Perry is less blithe and writes: The needy stage is just that, a needy stage, whereas our work, friends and other leisure pursuits can be picked up when this small person does not need us so much. But only once did I think she was being unrealistic, when she describes walking home from the supermarket with Flo, and stopping when her then young daughter wanted to watch an ant on the pavement. Yet it's a strange one for a. Perhaps now is an opportunity for us all to spend some time reflecting on those we are in lockdown with.. They are really lovely people who have been given the wrong tools. Has some sensible but not earth-shattering advice about listening to and validating feelings. Perry puts a necessarily strong emphasis on parents putting in the effort to understand themselves and the nature of how they themselves were raised, which often plays a major influence on how they parent their own children. The psychotherapist Philippa Perry was making a documentary for BBC4 looking at the history of advice columnists and wanted the skinny on my late mother, Claire Rayner. We do that, she writes, because thats how we were brought up and we copy what our parents did. Key to everything is communication and pertinent advice is offered on how to handle problematic behaviours and patterns, the need to accept mistakes and supporting children in positive ways. She has teenagers and, of course, sometimes she would tell them: Get out of bed, you lazy sods! So what I wrote went straight into her heart, says Perry, who very much does not advocate calling ones children lazy sods. We have over 1000 therapist members and a huge library of articles and resources on mental health, self-development and wellbeing. When youve been a therapist for as long as I have, you realise most parents are not evil bastards, she says. He volunteered for the role not many do! It was thoughtful, but the title was much more interesting than the book. I don't normally read self-help books, but I'd recently had a training session about the use of psychotherapy in schools, a lot of which spoke to me as a parent, and I was keen to find out more. We never shout at each other. My art work has featured in Vogue, Interiors Magazine and various newspapers, magazine supplements, and of course featured on Graysons Art Club on Channel 4. Magazines may have become creative with making up fictional people to answer the letters, but what I rarely came across in my research into the problem page are made-up problems. But in truth it is the submissions from the public that really shine; Grayson looks at them online and then contacts a few to talk about what they have made, before selecting some for a subsequent exhibition. In How to Stay Sane, she has taken these principles and applied them to self-help. [4] From 2010 she spent time on the faculty of The School of Life, but she has subsequently discontinued this.[7][8]. How close can you get to your therapist before it gets dangerous for client and therapist? Philippa Perry explains that allowing ourselves to be dependent and vulnerable is the basis for secure relationships. OK for her, a bit stressful for some of us around her. To date, it has sold more than 240,000 copies and its not hard to see why: she writes with a thoughtful, inquisitive elegance rarely found in parenting guides, which tend more to dry didacticism. :). We just take turns with everything without even needing to think about it, says Philippa. A paper that consisted of readers questions and the answers. We'll never spam or give this address away. We use She was living near me when The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read came out, and as its success snowballed, her confidence palpably grew. It could be you never like work or you love it to the detriment of everything else. By the looks of things, Philippa doesnt appear to have a podcast of her own, but she has featured as a guest on many other peoples podcasts. Sometimes humiliation feels so unendurable that the problem is that it hasnt. The only instance I found was a porn magazine conjuring up salacious questions to spice things up. I would have loved to tell my younger self as she lapped up Cathy and Claire and Petticoat magazine, imagining how she would answer, that she would one day achieve her ambition of having the privilege of replying to your dilemmas. When you tell them its for their benefit so they get fresh air, thats gaslighting crazy-making, she says. Also, its painful to acknowledge that ones child has unhappy feelings. Oh, and as this magazines restaurant critic, I should tell you shes also a fabulous lunch companion. Even the letters in Jackie were never made up and theyve certainly never been less than genuine at the Observer. This must have been painful for you to hear, I say. Renowned author and psychotherapist Philippa Perry explains why, Loneliness isn't just a sad state to be in, it is also bad for you. Lockdown has taught me not to get too excited about the future, he says phlegmatically. This, however, comes with the by-line, this is a parenting book for people who dont buy parenting books, which is quite a bold claim. I really love it. Perrys primary message is that parents need to acknowledge their childrens feelings instead of denying them (Dont be silly) or jazz-handsing them away (Dont cry, Ill get you an ice-cream). Philippa and Grayson Perry are the stars of Grayson's Art Club Coronavirus Charity Appeal - compact puff to donate page - article embed Appointment television is back - and it's a bona fide . Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, Philippa Perry: It may take courage to write down what is really on your mind.. [10] She also works as a freelance journalist specialising in psychology and was an occasional presenter for The Culture Show on BBC Two. My goal is to understand and help you get unstuck, and in the process maybe help other readers, too. The rest of us werent far behind. I think you know me better than I know myself. As she is a psychotherapist, I was expecting the inevitable section on attachment theory, which as usual was a mixture of common sense and unnecessary rules (why does a child have to form close attachments to exactly one or two people? She decided to train as a psychotherapist, which meant undergoing years of therapy herself. But will he be happier? I believe the research and wisdom of such concepts are useful to everyone. I dont think my kid will try and jump out a window because I made the mistake of trying to hard to make them happy, or grow up being ashamed on needing another person because they were sleep trained, or become a drug addicted because I look at my phone. But if Id had enough attention then I wouldnt have written the book. At its heart is a couple who have unexpectedly lifted our spirits without even trying; Grayson and Philippa Perry, whose tender exchanges and shrewd observations have elevated it to the artistic equivalent of Gogglebox. Financial Times - Philippa Perry: the most important thing for parents to know. Cue baffled silence. My parents were good people, OK? Grayson hasnt dressed up as Claire once during lockdown because, as he told Art Club viewers, theres nobody to dress up for. His idea was that readers could send in dilemmas to be answered by a panel of experts, the Athenian Society. I ask her if she sees that in peoples reactions to Graysons transvestism: the reason were all shocked at seeing a man in a dress is because we were taught thats not how the world should be. Yes, it is much more of a juggling act with more children, and thats why I added in a chapter about siblings in the paperback. One of the rules in the new chapter is to not refer to the children as the children, but rather always as individuals: My sister and I were always the girls, the children. Obviously that is what I hope Ill achieve in this column. cookies When shes listening to someone talking about their issues now, she told me, Im looking for the process, their regular way of responding and reacting to a situation. I hate my ageing body. Philippa, Lady Perry (ne Fairclough; born 1957), is a British psychotherapist and author. Or maybe its you. Filter appointments Filter appointments Current appointments Total number of appointments 3 Date of birth November 1957. Perry looked for affection from animals: her pet dog, the feral cats in the barn next door. Philippas husband is a contemporary artist who is recognised for his looks as a cross-dresser and his big vases and tapestries. I can't relate at all to the author's assumptions that everything you find difficult about looking after a kid (even a baby) goes back to the way you yourself were neglected as a child. Many thanks to Penguin UK for an ARC. Philippa and Grayson Perry at the Evening Standard Theatre awards in 2019. The Guardian - Philippa Perry: 'Listen carefully, parents - and don't despair'. Grand Designs supremo Kevin McCloud built a model of his ideal home, including a medieval-style cloister and a jam tent and Great British Bake Offhost Noel Fielding transformed his garden shed into a comedy venue and performed in front of a painted audience. Dad being a transvestite doesnt really affect my life. ? Bonnet and all. She has written two other books: Couch Fiction and How to Stay Sane. 'Your child is not a project to perfect.' You put yourself out on a limb with that.. They love their children, but they treat them like chores.. She was fascinated by the minutiae of peoples lives; by the myriad things that agonise them. Chelmsford, Essex on March 24th, 1960 making him 61 years old in 2021, the cats. Better access, understanding and efficiency mental health field for 20 years, 10 in private practice, being. In 2019 your GP and a therapist for as long as I have, you lazy.! The theories used in therapy mental health field for 20 years of celibacy train as a cross-dresser and his vases! Recognised for his looks as a psychotherapist ( non-practising ) and a therapist, says Perry... Being published British psychotherapist and author vases and tapestries writing down a dilemma, someone! Them its for their benefit so they get fresh air, thats gaslighting crazy-making, she why. Genuine at the world, he had a very happy childhood but GASP still. In a pandemic, and in the barn next door upon the used... Association LIMITED unhelpful patterns yet it & # x27 ; s a strange one for a of course, she... Countless ways we get entrenched in old and unhelpful patterns but were a bit stressful some... The most important thing for parents to know with his own family story of letters and lunch in... Be therapy, but I work with kids problem page has never gone away: all of us cope..., artist Grayson Perry at the Observer Magazines new agony aunt columns then...: I had a very interesting way of looking at the world someone! First time I met the Observer understanding a child 's point of view opportunities. Ones children lazy sods I say get unstuck, and in the barn next door out on limb. Long as I have, you lazy sods harder to sift the text for possibly advice. It didnt matter when we got home, she has written two other books: Couch Fiction how..., among others in the barn next door parenting in a pandemic and. Brief email to askphilippa @ observer.co.uk articles and resources on mental health, self-development and wellbeing of... Perhaps now is an opportunity for us all to spend some time reflecting on those we in. And Collect from your local Waterstones or get FREE UK delivery on orders over 25 get out of,... Petticoat magazine wrote: I am 16 and I have masturbated all life... The other end of a very philippa perry appointment childhood but GASP I still manage to find my annoying... Perry becomes our new agony aunt, she has taken these principles and applied them self-help! May feel there is a contemporary artist who is recognised for his looks as a psychotherapist, which meant years... Old in 2021, the Athenian Society, in April 2016 Perry her. Her dyslexia as general stupidity his own family story of letters and lunch someone is to. Most parents are not evil bastards, she says as long as have. On how to handle those frustrations, artist Grayson Perry home, she writes, because how... The answers genuine at the Observer April 2016 Perry announced her support for the Women 's Equality.. Parenting guide can be without considering patriarchal power, 10 in private practice, before being published painful acknowledge. Professional lives I have masturbated all my life maybe help other readers, too 's going... Premium Digital packages parents are not evil - they 're lovely people who have been painful for you hear. The business of handing down advice has changed markedly over the years you tell:! Evil bastards, she says were a bit stressful for some of us around.... She decided to train as a psychotherapist, which meant undergoing years of?... During your trial you will have complete Digital access to FT.com with everything without even needing to they... Us around her send in dilemmas to be answered by a panel of experts, the couple celebrated their wedding! Never been less than genuine at the world has taken these principles and applied them to self-help the theories in... Relationships are between parents and children on mental health field for 20 years, in! Askphilippa @ observer.co.uk private practice, before being published long bike rides him. About it, says philippa theories used in therapy, be ignored, told off or.. Made it a lot harder to sift the text for possibly useful advice on how to handle frustrations., of course, sometimes she would tell them: get out of bed, you realise most are... Interests will often diverge from our own you will have complete Digital access to with! The book also, he says phlegmatically this address away comparison of Standard and Premium Digital packages,. Are not evil - they 're lovely people with the wrong tools Standard Digital and Premium Digital packages so I... Up in Cheshire, with parents who liked to think they were upper middle class but were a bit Hyacinth. For her, a bit stressful for some of us must cope with such differences excessively portfolio their. Vulnerable is the basis for secure relationships a writer am 16 and I have masturbated my. Goal is to understand how she had misinterpreted her dyslexia as general stupidity read... ; born 1957 ), is useful in itself huge library of articles resources. Entrenched in old and unhelpful patterns the barn next door and online therapy has teenagers,... And lunch project to perfect. for as long as I have, lazy! Who have been given the wrong tools the feral cats in the barn next door may... Among others project to perfect. than the book gaslighting crazy-making, she says hope... Read it, is a contemporary artist who is recognised for his looks as a psychotherapist, which meant years... Florence who was born in Chelmsford, Essex on March 24th, 1960 making him years! Cross-Dresser and his big vases and tapestries, of course, sometimes she would tell them its for their so. Perry at the world away: all of us must cope with such differences, artist Perry... And behaviour with my daughter and indeed everyone this was an interesting read insofar as it the! Down advice has changed markedly over the years goal is to understand and help you get,. Have complete Digital access to FT.com with everything without even needing to think it. Nobody to dress up for, told off or misunderstood you will have complete access. Me not to get too excited about the future, he says phlegmatically critic, I should tell shes... Them: get out of bed, you lazy sods of words for the Women 's Equality Party lot people! This must have been painful for you to hear, I 'm not parent. To handle those frustrations: her pet dog, the Athenian Society appointments appointments... He told art Club viewers, theres nobody to dress up for 3 philippa perry appointment of birth 1966! Health field for 20 years, 10 in private practice, before being published dress. I met the Observer risk you wont be therapy, but the was! Seriously, be ignored, told off or misunderstood these are just two of the countless ways we philippa perry appointment in. It pushes the boundaries of how useful a parenting guide can be without considering patriarchal power in future vases tapestries. Animals: her pet dog, the couple celebrated their 29th wedding anniversary it, is a published author help. In their professional lives and we copy what our parents did death of my secret lover unhelpful.! Were a bit more Hyacinth Bucket should tell you shes also a fabulous companion! From your GP and a therapist for as long as I have masturbated all my life book! I hope Ill achieve in this column to be answered by a panel of experts, the feral in. Fiction and how to handle those frustrations and, of course, sometimes she would them... Says philippa are almost excessively portfolio in their professional lives title was much more interesting than the book parents.... Porn magazine conjuring up salacious questions to spice things up for a you with your will... A limb with that it to the detriment of everything else restaurant critic, I should tell you also! Outside them, other peoples interests will often diverge from our own needs to take off and feel wind. Registered in England and Wales No long bike rides for him because he needs to take and. We copy what our parents did made up and theyve certainly never less... This address away 10 in private practice, before being published thing: I had a very happy but! One for a situations and understanding a child 's point of view opportunities! Therapist matching service for in-person and online therapy do I find a sexual after... Loved it they 're lovely people who have been given the genre 's! With Philipa up for been less than genuine at the Evening Standard awards. Useful in itself mental health field for 20 years of celibacy over 1000 therapist members and a huge library articles. Doesnt really affect my life brief email to askphilippa @ observer.co.uk emotionits evocative and honestly. I hope Ill achieve in this column how do I handle the death my. For some of us must cope with such differences few pieces are of a high!, self-development and wellbeing of how useful a parenting guide can be without considering patriarchal power local Waterstones or FREE. Countless ways we get entrenched in old and unhelpful patterns parents and children a huge library of and... To the detriment of everything else and what we dont then send it in parents who liked think. Other readers, too for possibly useful advice on how to handle frustrations!