He watches at least 5 hours of TV a day and sees friends at least once a week. Running around all dressed up, making and baking. Eg, its funny you commented about being a step ford wife, lol. EG, who is perfect, ohhh thats right the ow thats who. He may be following the old adage, "If you can't say anything good, then don't say anything at all.". They were bored. Where is the feeling that what I have devoted the last THIRTY years of my life to, has mattered? Then, really invite your husband to share his experience of what's been happening in the marriage. Maybe even in a better, truer, more open and honest way. If you want to spend more time with your husband, try communicating with him about what would make him feel more comfortable. He wont go anywhere! He had ti see her because it made her feel better, then when that wasnt working anymore, lets bring mummy dearest over from overseas to help her with her attempts at getting my h away from me. Monogamy isnt a one-time choice for human beings; its an ongoing choice. I agree with you. And so, the million-dollar question isWhat inspires us to choose to be (and stay) monogamous? Linda claims it was the other two women that were doing all of the complaining (uh, huh) and the core complaints were that their husbands never wanted to do anything and were basically boring stick-in-the-muds. Cuz if he doesn't communicate whatsoever, you're really just communicating with yourself. Its so frustrating and can make you feel really lonely. they are dependent on those activities. Most of the Time My Husband Doesn't Want to do Sh*t 67 by Linda and Doug Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently Saturday night we met up with two other couples who we consider to be some of our closest friends. You have my prayers. John when my workouts are flagging I also think of the slutty OW and suddenly I can muster plenty of energy! Once upon a time, you would spend at least some time talking about your days. They are selfishly seeking attention, with NO intention of giving up their real relationship. We are all the same age and have hung out with each other for more than 25 years. Of course, this doesnt mean that you should never spend time with your spouse. Your story proves my point. Or going out together with friends or family? There is no reason to feel guilty if you attend a dinner with a girlfriend if your husband would prefer to not go and is fine with you attending. Possibility # 2: Your husband won't talk because he doesn't like conflict (the avoiding pain motive) Your husband may be upset at you for something, but not want to say anything about it for fear that it will cause conflict. I was never bored. was I the one responsible for what I did? No, not perfectly but he COULD have asked for what he needed. Make sure to schedule some me time into your week to stay sane and avoid resentment. Travelling alone is a whole new experience and in my experience, you meet people wherever you go. He stops asking about your life. I hate how uncomfortable and insecure this makes me feel in our marriage. It's been 10 years of this. My husband is a person who has illness after illness. You know it has nothing to do with looks. After the girls were born, our social life was done as a family (due to lack of babysitters). Try not to take it personally if he seems distant. Well, my court date for Friday was cancelled because the ex couldnt make it. Good advise eg. Yes! Apparently its not caused by lack of love at all, but probably more likely due to the lack of newness, adventure and passion. OMG my husband would think he had died and gone to heaven, LOL. Its also extremely exhausting and expensive. He has no ideas, no desire to do simple fun or actively engage with me on anything. Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married one year. Now he puts extra hours at work and prefers to spend time with his friends. Before we got married, he kept himself clean. He feels like he can't win. My husband actually says he has a NEW and DEEPER appreciation of not only me and our marriage, but our family as well. Don't get in a relationship where the main traits of a person irritates, you and don't expect those traits to just magically disappear just because you get married, Have a discussion where things do not move on until he starts answering questions, He gets on medication or he starts seeing someone to get his depression under control. What are your thoughts on Johnsons idea that the two main factors that keep us monogamous are passion and principles? Was he responsible for me cheating on him? You have your sons hearts, love, support, and respect. So Im so happy for you that you have your children. One of the main signs of a disrespectful husband is when he never ever asks your opinion on anything. That obviously will take a while. You endured much more than most would be able to. Plan a weekly date night where you go out to dinner or see a movie, Go on weekend trips together even if its just for a few hours, Make time for a weekly game night or hobby night, Exercise together this can be anything from going for a walk to playing tennis. Keep your chin up girl, we are all rooting for you! Worse, I let others judge that for me. she willingly goes to counseling but I dont think think she puts much effort towards repairing our marriage. EG, I was indeed joking as she playing the role of advisor, not basher. Most of our friends were developed through the people we have met in those activities (those mentioned in this post excluded). I do need to add it wasn't my finest moment, and I'm not proud of this. What to do if my husband doesn t want to spend time with me? Where I live we had a show of vintage cars, there was a stall that was selling womens clothing that was from that early era, lol. If your husband is constantly bringing work home with him or working long hours, it can easily lead to conflict between you two. And whats worse is that in these two cases neither one of the wives have communicated their dissatisfaction to their husbands. My husband never wants to hang out and just spend time with me but then gets overly butthurt when we go more than a couple days without having sex. We can only imagine how his own eyes and mind were deceiving him. I totally believe until you honestly think that both affair partners are equally responsible for the affair, under any circumstances,no matter what reasonsthey give, no matter who they are, yourself or others, it is being defensive. Use that time to bond with him, leash-train and you should be good. I know exactly how you feel. But I fear that when you live in a kind of dull state you will gravitate towards more exciting people. These are the games she played, along with you promised me thus, you promised me that, boo hoo. Ok so i've let off some steam with my previous strip club post and now I have just a curious question. If he has been married before he doesnot see the need to impress again. Read Also: Why Husband Blames Me For Everything: The Truth Behind Relationship Arguments. If anything, it is a great opportunity to spend quality time with single friends. As betrayed spouses we struggle with the idea of what did I DO to deserve this? Well, the truth is we did NOTHING. Our marriage for many years was all about our kids and their activities, sports, etc. John, its one of the hardest things to go through, I highly doubt I could go through it again. But you already know that, lol. With empty nesthood approaching fast they were concerned that the rest of their lives were going to be lifeless and dull. Easier to blame me. Of course, you work. 20/04/2015 at 11:50 am. Johnson says that to do that we must design lifestyle relationship rituals that create the conditions by which love and loyalty are rewarded (rather than ignored). Real boyfriends take their girlfriends out on dates. If you focus on his negative qualities, itll only push him away. An issue my husband never wants to do anything with me could also mean that hes an introvert and he just needs some time alone to recharge. Even he says he had no complaints. Go out and start doing things you want to do. If you want to close the gap, try making a regular date night where you can focus on each other without distractions. I get upset just thinking about it. They were also agitated, aggravated and fed up. Remember what the marriage vows say? If youre spending more time with work, kids, or hobbies, he may feel left out. If anyone thinks they were lured, or tricked, or coerced, or anything else into cheating on your spouse then there is an issue. Others blame their spouse ONLY. Not one bit. I used to have a higher regard for my wedding vows but these scars will unfortunately stay with me and so be it. She understands several crucial retirement principles for marriage that I want you to adopt. People value what they invest in as opposed to what they are not invested in.. I was always the family planner and organizer too. And sometimes, those things come first. If anyone condones cheating, or blames one of the affair partners or a spouse, you just have to wonder WHY. Depression and anxiety are both exhausting illnesses, so you must take care of yourself. I was thinking, I wonder how my h would like to see me in those clothes, all vintage like. "Be willing to hear his feedback and experiences in the marriage," says Henry. Alternately, the affair partner wants to place the blame on the cheating spouse. My h would tell me, he didnt want her on medication, in the next breathe he would tell me to go take medication. Constantly needing reassurance from your spouse can be suffocating and is likely one of the reasons why hes pulling away. My h and I were the same, it was my h brokenness stress and depression, midlife crsis (he had these dreams of retiring at 40) too, we hadnt argued, I was loving, faithful and there for him, there was really no reason for this to happen to us. Leaving Her Alone One of the quickest ways to destroy your marriage is to leave your wife alone. So, what gives, lol? He sounds more like an FWB if. Sound familiar? I gained weight after the birth of my child, I admit. Now shes pregnant (its mine) and I dont really have a choice. That is exactly what my husband did and he admits it. Now, us men stood there and talked about the normal stuffsports, work, kids and yes, one of the other guys did do just a little wife-bashing. Without getting into too much of the details and background, it is apparent to us that they have fallen into a serious marital trap. When he does help out he acts like invented electricity. If your husband used to spend a lot of time with you and now you complain: my husband never wants to do anything with me, it can be confusing and hurtful. Big surprise. 3. I am a spontaneous, energetic, social and active person. To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account. And I mean that really is ALL HE EVER WANTS TO DO!!!!! HA. Exercise grace, this is exactly the kind of thing I was trying to get through to Eyes Opened about. Yes, she says she feels remorse but she is still defensive about what she did. If my husband never wants to do anything with me, its essential to take a step back and figure out why. SHOW NOTES To see pictures of Stacy on some of his many climbing . Prior to our experience with infidelity Linda had always been the family organizer and planner and she did a hell of a job. Donna, he may indeed suffer from depression. You are correct that i t does not excuse your cheating, but it does point out where your personal vulnerability was. Don't think your heavy sighs and the comments made under your breath are going unnoticed. I ask because I feel exactly the same way as you. i really dont mind cleaning, i used to clean the house for him all the . he initiates no affection or sex but will respond if I do but I am tired of always being the one to try to save our marriage and yet I do not want a divorce. Everywhere you look there are things telling us how to be hotter in the bedroom, cook healthier more exciting menus, pick up thrilling new hobbies. Reader Disappointed Dater writes, My husband of 9 years has legitimately never planned a date for us. John, I felt exactly the same as you after I found out bout my XWWs almost 2 year affair. I think my summer project is going to be to read all of the blog posts and comments from the beginning. I know the signs now, I know his tells when something is up. First, that you need to be true to yourself and work towards the things that bring you the most joy in . The 10 signs that your husband is not happy in your marriage 1. No matter what the level of infidelity ( from daydreaming about an ex to full blown adultery) the one constant factor in cheaters is that they chose to dishonor their commitment while people who did not cheat honored it. I dont husband bash has either. she had destroyed my confidence in our marriage.She had conditioned me to believe that she was the best I could ever do and no one would else would ever want me. This is especially true if he notices other women and gives you compliments less often. 1 You Both Need To Have A Drink In Hand Elisaveta Ivanova/E+/Getty Images While it's super common to go out for drinks with a partner, take note if it feels like you have to drink in order to. The glue as our therapist says. I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. She was not invested like I was. This short guide tells you what you need to know to survive the affair, heal yourself and emerge on the other side a stronger person. So making comments and getting feedback really helps me. Blessings friend! They work, because one of my girlfriend's husband was having trouble getting hard and he ordered one.. She is so proud of . Those were the words that one of our friends told Linda recently. She does not know our situation. If you asked Doug today if he is bored I am confident that he would say no (except for an occasional dry spell) He is completely invested in our marriage and puts forth so much time and effort around the house, with our children and to insure that our marriage is healthy. Friends disappear and you can't go anywhere. Over time, the lack of connection can take a toll on your relationship. Its also essential to give your husband some space if youve noticed: My husband doesn t want to spend time with me. Everyone needs time to themselves, and your husband is probably no different. One thing that has changed a bit is that she no longer wants to have that role so much any more. For example, if you dont share his love for football, he may feel like it would be a waste of time. I believe that is why most BS wouldnt even think about entering an affair, really who had the time and energy. He really doesnt have time to be bored or he could say I dont give him enough time to be bored. When your partner has your back, they'll be able to say those three important words sincerely and out loud in front of other people. f. I can and will choose PEACE for my life. Exercise, play sports, go to the gym and consider beginning each day with a walk together. After my husband and I boarded the plane, I began my ritual of praying . I am exhausted and depressed most of the time. I feel like I need to turn into a stepford wife. But after she left, he was angry. Dear sister, yes, these feelings haunt me daily. Whether she values what she has or not I know her friends and coworkers are jealous when they stair at me like a piece of meat-haha. 21 year old from University of North Georgia looking for long-term discrete relationship. All of these will be removed and locked. Im glad its over for you. I got real tired of it, and threw him out, which didnt turn out to be as pleasant as he imagined it would be. But if you strongly believe: My husband doesn t like spending time with my family and me, it might not be personal. And that choice requires both daily practice and unwavering commitment. I do absolutley everything on my own. For years, the six of us and all of our kids would go camping and do other stuff together several times a year. Since monogamy is an ongoing choice, its something that has to be inspired over the long term. Thats like saying its ok for me to walk into a bank and steal money if the security guard isnt looking. One thing I have done in the past is move along too quickly, so I end up in Crap again. I wonder at times how my h felt when he looked at himself in the mirror while his eyes mind was battling with his heart and soul. I have to beg him. In other words, I'm a good person! After a very entertaining and tasty dinner at a casual restaurant, we went outside to where a jazz concert was going on. I can see where boredom could be a contributing factor to cheating, especially at work, lol. She wants me to take the lead with planning nights out, hikes, weekend trips, etc. He would worry she was going to hurt herself and it would be his fault if she did. Feminize me, fuck me, and make me yours. Fcol, its very tiresome, I guess we just have to focus on our h losing their way and were not strong enough to see their way clearly. We go to counseling once a week and it helps but its the only time we ever even talk about her affair. During our false R, I too felt like a fool, like I was being used. The judge stated that nobody wins in a divorce. Its obvious that he wont do his so I must STOP doing, as part of my self-preservation. While there is no doubt that he regrets what he did, that he feels tremendous remorse. the list goes on and on and on. You went into survival mode and I think a lot of cheaters do. Doug, I should have kicked her out immediately and filed for divorce. I wasn't doing this deliberately like it sounds, it just was a release, fun and exciting to meet another person who was fun and highly strung. On the contrary, everyone needs quality time with their loved ones. 2 Answers - ( Newest, 16 November 2009) A female age 30-35, anonymous writes: i am 19years old and my husband is 20 and this feb 14th 2010 we will be married for 2 years. There has to be a shift in thinking and approach here. If your husband feels like youre constantly nagging him, hell likely start to dread spending time with you. I am sure that when most of us look back they realize how little effort the cheater put into any of those things prior and during the affair. Ideally before the baby is born there has to be a serious engaged conversation about each parent's roles. I hate men like that. Just wanted to let you know I understand what youre going through, youre not alone! ALWAYS. My husband I really never really used to go anywhere much due to work so we never really thought a time share would benefit us. Pisses me off too. The excitement and stimulation came from the illicitness of what they were doing sneaking around on their spouses like teenagers. Also when a person complains about being bored they are often bored with themselves not their marriages or spouses. This includes the time during and for months after, the affair. Say what you will, but there's often quite a bit of truth to jokes. Can I ask how old you are? My only texting buddy ghosted me so I came here. Most husbands work outside the home to provide for the family. I never did that very much, but now I try not to AT ALL. Read Also: 11 Signs of Selfish Husband and How to Deal With Him. We both are. Ugh. BUT I am so happy that this is FINALLY coming to closure for you. Agreed. I am 62 and he is 70, maybe its his age. Eg Exercise grace I relate entirely to the one-women circus comment (except the women part-haha.) Yes I did everything to make his life comfortable not so much now. Gizfield, I had put on heaps of weight too after my children, I guess she thought she had the upper hand. And really peace for your ex too. I busted my ass for 2 years afterward trying to keep her stimulated with things to do, trips, vacations, outingswhatever. I am smarter this time around, and while I dont plan to live my life constantly suspecting him of something, I will not live it with blind trust again, either. My own personal sob story 20 years ago was that my husband was an alcoholic, and that he was physically abusive to me. You can also look for ways to connect during the day, like taking a walk together or sharing a coffee break. That was still intact. Money cant buy those things and unless your soon to be ex does some serious repenting and reparation, he will NEVER have that. I usually dont think of him at all. The outcome is a husband who is detached and less interested in being around his wife. Now he helps make the bed every morning or it doesnt get made. On my birthday . As the girls got older, I was looking forward to the two of us having time together again. I am normally a fun person and outgoing, but even that has faded away. We have a son who lives in Australia and he would not even go see him. Now I have more expectations. The affair partner wants to place the blame on the betrayed spouse. The stupid tart would call him every time he saw her and say are you ok, dont let your wife get to you, this is how you talk to her. Well some days will be poorer (and not just in money). I have complete clarity on this issue in my mind. 25 Signs Your Husband Doesn't Love You Anymore 1. Don't be shy with your partner. He needs to communicate his thoughts and feelings in it as much as you are to actually communicate with each other. It ticks me off because I loved and supported him and he knew it. The affair has changed that for me. I value your opinion so I really appreciate your comments. I encourage you to ask me for clarification, if you are not clear with my Answer. If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. I can see how my h would prefer to forget. I think Ive done my share. Or well, our marriage had really drifted apart and I knew we were very disconnected. Either way, its essential to discuss whats going on and how its impacting your relationship. I just didnt want to believe what was actually happening and also, I didnt have the guts! our relationship is so confusing. You words ring true, I have read it so many times in the hundreds of relationship books, when a person invests in a relationship the relationship is important to them and will do everything to preserve it. It's good for your health and can be a nice ritual for discussing your plans for the day. Lol. ULK I hate it all for everyone but I am trying to be the constant for him. While your situation isnt unique, it is nevertheless not typical. Unique Proposal Ideas To Make Your Partner Say Yes, 21 Signs the Universe Wants You to Be With Someone, What to Do When a Guy Ghosts You: Obvious Red Flag Explained. A Comprehensive Guide to 'Vanderpump Rules' Hookups Over the Years. What are some things that you do to try and keep the passion alive and kicking? (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. This isnt personal its a symptom of their mental illness. He still waits for my direction and Ive stopped doing all I did because he wont put any responsibility onto himself. They are NOT as unhappy as they profess themselves to be. While I used to assume that he valued our time together as much as I did, and assume that he wanted to do things together, I no longer do. He has friends, hobbies, and other commitments that compete for his time. In many cases, it may be that your spouse is feeling overwhelmed or emotionally isolated. Maybe you have a friend or acquaintance who would love to get up and go. No, no one wins we just keeping moving forward. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. Not a legacy to be proud of. A selfish husband will not care about your feelings. Time for ME to start setting the bar for my OWN self-esteem and not basing it on HIS assessment of me. This means monogamy cannot be forced. Oh wait, here I am doing JUST THAT, LOL LOL. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. My dr had wanted me to start being on medication for depression but had also said things would be better if your h would change his attitude and start helping you, because this is why you are so depressed. Not exactly good party talk! I tried to strike a balance and move the conversation in a different direction. Jed believed he was having a midlife crisis and he does fit the scenario but I am just worn out and tired of dealing with him. I have said to him more than once that I dont know who I am anymore. Need help with your relationship? She said the same thing about being bored and finding excitement. John, you really have to (as hard as it is) discount the things they say while still in the affair fog. Now he only changes underwear and showers once a week. The truth lies in the middle, where two selfish people made themselves look like all that and they were both stupid enough to think that someone who was willing to lie and deceive their spouse would magically be some honest, ethical person with THEM. I don't think . Healthy communication is consistently cited as one of the most important elements of a successful marriage. Just because he doesnt want to spend every waking moment with you doesnt mean he doesnt love you. Weve been married 42 years. Will they appreciate what they have? 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