Lemongrass If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. IF you are going to live together you have to learn to communicate and let him know when things bother you. I never read the letters, just the headline, but I can tell by the headline alone that its normal. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. silver_dragon_girl She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. Youve been together four months. Of course Im describing a worse-case scenario, but think of what feels right for YOU as far as family interaction & seek that out. They never left the apartment unless they had to for school more or less, and they always came straight home. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) But moving in together may also make you slack on spending time with your own friends and hobbies. His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. Problem My dad did this too, until he met his fiance and she moved in with him. Go to a zoo! They could deny it, and if they wanted to change, they could. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. However, I think the Cue unintelligble grumbling. i dont know every time i go to assume anything i say the little rhyme to myself in my head. Thats on you. If mom is like, begging them to stay every single time, thats beyond just a mere annoyance obviously. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. You can even switch off on who decides on what you two do in the city. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: 1. Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. I understand the problem with not seeing him enough, but I think shes shooting herself in the foot by going with him all the time since that way shes communicating that shell go along with whatever his plans are. remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. There is so, so much you can do with your boyfriend LW! June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. You guys share a toilet, you can afford some alone time one weekend a month. I am actually not promoting anything. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. So, personally, I dont find it weird and I wouldnt frame it that way to your boyfriend, LW. Have you told him its not a matter of him being weird or not weird for spending so much of his limited free time with his parents but that its about you wanting more alone time with him? Your I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. Bklyn Grl If it is that then work out a way so you can spend most nights together whether at yours or theirs. YES! CottonTheCuteDog If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. It was a huge fight, and the beginning of the end for us like Id asked if we could murder his folks! We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. Whats behind your husbands need to spend every weekend with his family? Ann Cannon. ele4phant If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Addie Pray Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. When we first started dating, my husband and I said to each other Lets not play games and just speak what we feel. We moved in together 5 months after dating (and that was 3 hours long distance dating). I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. We are just those types of people though, which is why I said originally to the LW that this is usually just a fundamental part of people and not something you can really change that much. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. Lemongrass She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. If I say Im ready to get home on one of those nights, his dad always makes a comment trying to make me feel guilty for leaving even if weve spent the entire day there. Thatll probably shut them up. On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. Most people dont want to know about the SO cheating, not because of the cheating, but the outcome of the cheating. if you dont want there to be issues. Its called enmeshment. That scenario is even more likely if your husband is apeople pleaserand doesnt know how to say no. January 20, 2012, 9:38 am. Bike riding? That was my first thought. Thats why the weekend is an extra time to do everything you didnt get to on weekdays. On another level, your husband wants to strike out on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am It is clear that his family comes first, and your family and your wishes are less important to him. The parents, being in a position of power, are influencing their adult children by complying to this routine or set up. Its time for him to grow up. DO NOT just wait every weekend with huffy baited breath to see what he will choose, voice what you want. Some people are just like that and you have to try not to take it personally. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him what you told us. My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. She doesnt mention doing it with him at all. LolaBeans That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. I love girls night out. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. By not wanting to rock the boat people are just blindly having faith in relationships. In many cultures that is the norm. That was seven years ago. Yes. I also remind Bassanio of reality: that they visit so often because of the grandkids, the kids are the focus, not him, and his parents wont be crushed if they dont see him, and theyll be back next month anyway. My dads side of the family is like this- I have an uncle and aunt who spend every day at my grandparents for at least a few hours. Its not annoying for either one of them, because they have both communicated that its something they like to do. June 18, 2014, 11:34 am. Often peoples busy lives leave little time for closeness and sleeping together can be very good to promote feeling solidly together and supportive. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. However, my husband isnt like that at all. FireStar Say, what if I only come to your parents one weekend a month, and you only go 2-3? That way you get some weekend time alone with him and you only go over there once a month. muchachaenlaventana At best, you will an appendage to his family. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. June 18, 2014, 11:40 am. All your weekend plans are ruined by default because your husband has to spend every weekend with his family. Explain to your husband that you want to spend time with him on the weekend, not always with his parents. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. When there is no holiday, they decide to have a BBQ in the backyard, and of course, they invite too many people to that event. So make him choose. What about visiting your parents? When my husband and I got together, he was working a 4-hour drive from me and wed only see each other on weekends and vacations. I think its every weekend during the parts of the year he travels a lot, so summer and fall. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. January 20, 2012, 11:20 am. I do think its a valid point to want more alone time with your significant other regardless of how hes spending the rest of their time, but I also dont see it as a dysfunctional family dynamic. I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. I just dont understand this concept. My family lives a 45 mins train ride out of Grand Central (not including hopping a cab or the subway to get to GCT- and then the ride to their place once we get off the train) and if I made my boyfriend go with me once a week to see them he would be less than thrilled. If hes home for only Friday and Saturday night and has to leave Sunday afternoon, you can bet we are at their house both Friday and Saturday for a long time, and then they always show up an hour before hes to leave on Sunday. Moving in together means necessarily co-mingling certain parts of your lives. Well. January 20, 2012, 8:08 am. It would seem that if he had to choose, hed choose spending a weekend with you in the city over spending a weekend with his parents in the burbs. Ill add that another strategy you could try if those mentioned dont work is to simply spend less time at his parents house yourself. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. Hes going to choose you. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. But I dont automatically think that they have some huge communication problem because of this one issue. Communication is always the basis of solving any problem. So put aside the awks phone chat you might have to have with your Mum, and enjoy the fact that this year you can eat until you feel sick with your bae. Yeah, money is always touchier than anything else. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. Maybe thats what really got me thinking. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? ReginaRey OR maybe he makes more money than she does and doesnt realize the strain on her finances. When we decided it was serious, he introduced me to his mom one weekend, and I introduced him to my parents the next. Just plan something, anything. ReginaRey I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Its entirely possible that the boyfriend is happy with the status quo, and if spending more time with his girlfriend means spending less time with his parents, hell choose the parents over the girlfriend. Eh. He works a road construction job that requires him to be gone every week during the summer/fall months, coming home only some weekends. Either that or another kind of quiet crisis or else the holidays . He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. Do people really just walk around with their heads in the sand all day? I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. I think that time alone is essential to the health of any relationship. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. Easily worked out and if not, then you probably have bigger issues than the garbage. BGM never agrees with the woman. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. AKchic Its different than what youre used to, sure, and its maybe not something you would do yourself. Not normal. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four months and have been living together for about three weeks. Do you both work very long hours or something that he cant muster up enthusiasm to do fun things with you? Well, then you are simply NOT a match. GatorGirl One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. I agree with you. Yes, this. Like the people who say they wouldnt want to know a significant other was cheating on them. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. At the same time, I know Ive put off talking about finances WAY longer than three weeks before (yeah, yeah, I know, bad), so that doesnt seem like a huge problem to me either. It is soooooooo dangerous to do that. All rights reserved. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. So much fun and you find really cool new spots to hang out too. . SpaceySteph WebGo to counseling with your husband. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. Did I read this right, they have been dating four months, and are now living together? You want to avoid jumping to conclusions and coming off as the bad guy. And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. or just dinner? Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Tell him that while you love his parents, you miss going into the city on weekends and having weekend time alone with him in the city too. I thought the same thing. I can use a personal example as well. But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. when it comes up we just talk about it. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. This is something about him that will likely never change. Im nearly at my wits end because its causing me to get upset with him over fairly trivial things. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. Once starting over was a better outlook then staying in the relationship, I or we got out. Hopefully by the time you are an adult you have been given and shown the coping skills youll need to support Yourself. YES! It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Does that make sense? Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. If youve explained that to him and he doesnt care or doesnt have any interest in meeting your needs, theres not a ton you can do. He values his family and wants to spend his free time with them (and you). Im super indepedent though, and I coudlnt imagine spending all of my free time with one person. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung Sorry for the cynicism this morningits Friday and I woke up with a head cold. LW, you are not being unreasonable! which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. So many people spend a ton of time with family. . Im in the same boat. I think more people would do well to have a back-up plan if youre to break up (who moves out? They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. We will tell you right away that this way of thinking leads nowhere. im kind of confused. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. Find a free movie or concert in the park, those seem to be like everywhere. But, in a very close and codependent family dynamic this doesnt get to really happen much. Same way he knows about how I feel about abortion, politics, etc. I see people post or check in or what ever and I have no idea what it means. He has a scenario in his head of how they feel hurt, and thats why he has to see them every weekend. Anne has since finished her probation and has a 5-year-old son who my mother dotes on. Like he was programmed that way. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Anonymousse i think you are more direct than a lot of people and maybe more communicative. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. allathian If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. If she is like lets do XYZ and he says no, lets sit at momsyeah thats a little off. barf. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Also, the ex use to work on a project, like something with his old truck or building something, or whatever, and I would sit outside by him and read, which is something I enjoyed doing. I swear, learning how to deal with my aunt (whos a little over the top with this) was a huge victory. Maybe he is making up time for that. She simply doesnt have to be at the parents place with her boyfriend that often. I would plan some things. Its just simple, smart, communication! GatorGirl bluesunday I am afraid for humanity. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Im very independent , so it doesnt bother me too much just because I do my own thing anyway but it is still frustrating. We have a great relationship and I dont want this issue to grow into such a large issue that I cant handle it anymore one day. But it seems like they want to take things slowly. Spend most of their spare time with Mom, and significant others take a backseat. I would say it took at least about 2 months for us to settle into a living together routine, ie. You arent happy and yet you stay. Starting over! Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. And after 4 months, youre likely just coming out of the Honeymoon Phase. You havent had sufficient time to learn these little things youre just starting to learn. Its my little refuge, and sometimes I like coming home and just hanging out on the couch with the BF reading or watching movies. What I am saying is when you are dating, you establish certain guidelines. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. Finally, I would pacify your BF by saying that once a month the parents should come to the city and visit you. Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. June 18, 2014, 10:47 am. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest And next weekend. I always feel like I have to be a little more on at my in-laws vs at my familys house. Its hard not knowing when a passing will June 18, 2014, 10:08 am. No one said they cant, just that they like to see each other on weekends. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. Plan a trip to visit your family. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Then offer a compromise. The timeline seems off here. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. June 18, 2014, 2:59 pm, BIg difference between loving your parents and being codependent on them. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. NEWSFLASH: This is WHO he is. January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. And if we dont decide to go there a weekend hes home, his mom will ALWAYS think of an excuse to drop by for hours at a time. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. January 20, 2012, 11:06 am. March 11, 2017, 11:48 am. If they are going to see his parents then I think he should pick up the tickets, especially since finances are tighter for her. lets_be_honest its a really exciting time for your relationship! Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. It can still have a lot of randomness to it, but be bookended by specific activities. So, instead of an adult whos ready to take on the world the result is someone with severely low self esteem that does Not seem to be able to take responsibility or make many if any decisions on their own. This is her perception. This went on for two and a half years, and after that we moved in together. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. You have the option of talking to him about it-without that context (this is weird, grow up), and from the place where your needs are not being metaka Honey, it would mean a lot if instead of both Friday and Saturdays you are home, spending all day with your family, we set aside a block of one of those days for just us time. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. If that doesnt work if he wont set aside some time for the two of you, or if you need more distance from his family than hes willing or able to manage, then Im afraid its MOA time. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. Living with your boyfriend can be the greatest thing, but it can also be a ticking time bomb if you let things go unresolved, especially after only dating for four months. If this has only been going on 3-6 weeks or so she might be just starting to feel the pinch, so it hasnt really come up before this. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. Or go to batting cages. June 18, 2014, 12:24 pm. Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. Different strokes for different folks. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her I think that, though you try to play it off as not a big deal, you are a little jealous/sad that your boyfriends parents live close and yours live far away. Yeah, it is all really about individual preferences. And if they live together. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. 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Things will not change drastically once you move in together to break up ( who moves?... Focus should be on his own, by himself, on a grand adventure in-laws! That thats something he enjoys doing are the main reasons why he has to spend time him!, they have some huge communication problem because of this, I my! Id asked if we could have a good career or come from a wealthy family post or check or... A road construction job that requires him to grow up wouldnt frame it that way to husband. Emotionally available find really cool new spots to hang out too you to! What you two cant overcome, but the outcome of the Honeymoon Phase are very like... 10:08 am almost every Sunday time you are asking how you can spend most of their spare time him!